What happens when a musician can’t gig? Lots of cooking. Here’s some stuff I’ve been making
These are just like normal waffles, but they aren’t allowed to leave the house either – so at least you have someone (thing) to talk to while you eat. Waffles are surprisingly good listeners and are really sweet
- 2 eggs
- 2 cups all-purpose flour
- 1 3/4 cups milk
- 1 tablespoon white sugar
- 4 teaspoons baking powder
- 1/4 teaspoon salt (or, for a more organic method, just think about all the gigs you could have played but won’t and just cry right into the batter instead)
- 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
- Some veggie oil (I just pour a little in – idk maybe a tablespoon… maybe two. I wasn’t paying attention.)
- Chocolate chips – I’d chop em up in to bits. It makes you feel superior to the chip and cooks better
- Quick rolled oats – just pour some in. Don’t get too crazy with it, maybe just like Charlie Sheen pre Tiger’s Blood / Winning crazy
- Bananas – mash em or something
- 1. Take waffle iron that you forgot you own out of the back of the cupboard and clean it.
- 2. Remind yourself that when you were a kid and you had waffles, things were okay.
- 3. Get a bowl and beat those eggs till they are fluffy.
- 4. Add all the other things in. If you’re making fancy waffles, add the fancy stuff in now. Mix it all up
- 5. When mixed, fill up the waffle iron as needed and cook it up until you convince yourself that things are okay (or the waffles are done)
- 6. That’s it.
- Whipped Cream
- Hopes and dreams of a younger you before you realized the bleakness of the void that is life.
While I love making complicated things, sometimes basic is best.
Bunch of herbs (I use rosemary, thyme, basil, and/or oregano)
Slice of bread (if it’s not sourdough, why bother – am I right?)
Cheese – Provolone works best because it’s stretchy, but any cheesy goodness will do
Salt and pepper
Put a slice of sourdough in the toaster and cut up some provolone for later. If you’re using different bread or cheese – just leave. Do this first.
Heat a cast iron pan with some oil. If you don’t have a cast iron pan, you should be questioning your life decisions up till now. Seriously what are you doing with your life?
When the pan and oil are hot, crack the eggs (on the pan – in case that’s not clear). Chop up the herbs and put them on the eggs. Throw some salt and pepper on for good measure.
When the toast has been toasted, cut the slice in half and put cheese on both sides. If you have a toaster oven (and again, if you don’t, life decisions need to be questioned), put the bread with cheese in for a couple minutes to melt the cheese. If you don’t have a toaster over, IDK – use a hair dryer?
When both the eggs and the cheesy toast are done, put the toast on a plate (always a good start) then eggs. You can try the other way, but it doesn’t work as well.
I HIGHLY recommend adding some Carrot Habanero Hot Sauce on this. It’s a good idea. Life will be better.
Simple. Just click this link
If you’re like me, you’re partly empty on the inside from lack of actual human contact (unless dogs count, do dogs count? they should). A good Shepard’s Pie will fill that void right up and make you think of happier times – like not being an actual Shepard. It’s a two part recipe – mashed potatoes and the filling.
- Potatoes – for red potatoes maybe 10, for russets try 5. For sweet potatoes, go somewhere else – this is not a time for that shit
- Butter – just grab a handful, it’ll be fine
- 1 Onion – red, white, whatever
- 5 celery stalks
- A head of broccoli
- Can of Peas
- Can of Corn
- 3 Garlic cloves
- Some Worcestershire sauce
- 1/2 cup of broth
- 1 cup of heavy cream, milk, or sour cream – not required, but good anyway
- Some cheese – whatever kind and however much – I’m not your real dad, go nuts
- Salt & Pepper (and Spindarella – she never gets enough credit)
- A 6 pack of beer – trust me
Before you start, preheat the over to 400
Mashed Potato Recipe
- 1. Cut up potatoes and put in a pot
- 2. Drink a beer
- 3. Fill with water to just cover potatoes (about an inch over) and boil until tender.
- 4. Drink a beer
- 5. Save a cup of the water but strain the rest out.
- 6. Mash up potatoes, add salt / pepper, and pour the water in (if you want creamy add milk too) and mix till good consistency
- 7. Set mashed potatoes aside – like all your current life goals and desires for actual human contact
- 8. Drink a beer
- 1. Heat a pan with oil. When hot, add carrots broccoli and onion and Cook for 2 min (or till veggies are tender)
- 2. Drink a beer
- 3. Add celery peas and corn and garlic. Cook 2 min.
- 4. Add meat (or beyond meat), Worcestershire sauce and broth. Cook till the meat (or whatever) is done
Put it together
- Put that mix in a pan, potatoes on top, and put in the oven at 400 for 30 min.
- While that’s cooking, cut up cheese in a funny way. After the pie has cooked for about 30 minutes, put the cheese on top of awesome pie and cook for 2 min. Take it out of the oven and cool (or don’t if you’re into melting your mouth or too drunk to know the difference)
- Have a beer, listen to John Prine and ugly cry into your food wondering why any god would takeaway such an amazing singer / songwriter at the time he’s most needed. Added side of that, you probably won’t need more salt.
Homemade chocolate martinis
Let’s be real, quarantine life has made us all revert back to being teenagers in some way. Showering is less frequent, clothes get washed some times, and drinking at any time is pretty much acceptable. Why have a normal drink when you can spend an hour making a classy drink?
This recipe is two parts – the liqueur and the martini. You could by the liqueur from a store but I have too much time on my hands to be bothered with pre-made stuff
- 3 cups silk chocolate milk
- 1 1/2 cup cocoa powder
- 1 cup sugar
- 1 cup vodka
- 1.5 oz. Chocolate liqueur
- 1.5oz bailey’s
- 1 oz vodka (or fuck it… just pour that bitch in, you’re not going anywhere anyway)
Chocolate Liqueur Recipe
- Mix the milk, cocoa powder, and sugar then bring to a boil for 5 min or so. Staring directly at the pot will in fact make it boil faster – and really, what else are you doing with your life right now?
- Let it cool, have a dance party, then add vodka
- Let chill in fridge at least 3 hours or until you are bored from being locked in the house
Make the Martini
- Put it all in a shaker with ice and shake it, shake it, shake it like a Polaroid.
- Pour in a glass
- Drink like there’s nothing, nothing wrong. Everything is fine…
It’s booze and chocolate, so pretty much anything that goes with either works here. Cinnamon, paprika, peppermint, tears of a unicorn, or basil if you are in to that thing. Experiment, get drunk, have fun.
Chocolate chip banana bread
Cause you bought thinking that you’ll be healthy during the quarantine but then got drunk and forgot about and realize you have to eat them but they are nasty mushy
- 4 ripe bananas
- 1 egg
- 1 cup all-purpose flour
- 1/2 cup whole wheat flour
- 1/2 cup sugar
- 1 tsp baking powder
- 1 tsp vanilla extract
- 1/2 cup of chocolate chips – or a whole bag. You’re locked in the house and no one will no. Fuck it, just get two bags and eat one raw. Do it.
- Handful or so of chopped / crushed walnuts
- Heat oven to 351. The extra degree is super important
- Put bananas in a bowl. Take your anger of life out of the bananas and mash the crap out of them. Just destroy those nanaers.
- When you’re exhausted (or the bananas are smooth), beat an egg up until it knows the deal too, then and add it to the destroyed/mashed bananas and mix them together.
- Add everything else to the bowl until there’s nothing left (sort of like your trust in your parents after you found out they were the tooth fairy). Mix that around.
- Put in bread baking tin, put in oven (in that order – trust me) and cook for about 50 minutes.
- Take picture, post on Facebook, and pretend this is normal.
- Add chocolate chips to the top pre baking to say something
- 1 or so tsp of cinnamon (I didn’t do that but sorta wish I had) maybe even nutmeg
If you ever wanted to make pretzels but didn’t have the time – good news, you have it.
- 3 3/4 cups flour
- 1 pack of fast acting yeast
- 1 1/4 cup lukewarm water
- 3 tbsp of unsalted melted butter
- 3 tbsp of baking soda
- 2 tsp of fine (good looking) sea salt
- a fist full o’ coarse salt for topping
- In one bowl, Combine flour, yeast and sea salt. Use a sifter for the flour if you have one, but if you don’t – just summon your inner child and throw fistfuls of flour in at a time. Might as well throw some at your roommates / partner / pet for good measure.
- In another bowl, mix up the water and butter. This should be lukewarm (like your soul after not being able to see music for oh so many days.
- Combine the flour mix and the water / butter mix together and mix it up.
- If it gets sticky, add more flour.
- Throw some flour on a surface and dump the dough on that and take out your frustrations on it. I usually do this while screaming loudly at the dough about how it needs to get in shape.
- Once the dough is put in it’s place it’ll be pretty elastic. Roll it up in to a ball. You can also take this time to roll yourself into a ball and rock back and forth for a while. It’s soothing and in no way weird.
- Oil up yet another bowl, and put the dough ball in there. Cover it up with a towel and put it in a warm dry place. Pro tip, if you put your oven on to about 100 and turn it off before putting the bowl in, that’ll work. Amateur tip, use a hair dryer pointed at the towel and stand there for an hour. You’ve got nothing better to do anyway right?
- Go outside and ponder your life choices that have brought you to this point in your life for about an hour while the dough rises (and you slowly sink in sorrow)
- Once dough is risen, punch that fucker back down into it’s place to teach it that life isn’t fair sometimes.
- Divide up the dough into somewhat equal portions and put it back in the warm place covered up again until it rises (20ish minutes). If dough attempts to rise up in revolt, just beat it back down.
- Pour your bad life decisions and insecurities (along with a bunch of water) in a pot big enough to hold a few pretzels and add the baking soda. Bring that to a boil and swear to jebus that you’ll be better when this is over. Note, it will foam up, so maybe watch it this time Carl (seriously dude!).
- When you take out the dough the last time, preheat the oven to 425
Be real, this is probably the most important decision of your day considering you are stuck at home and likely not wearing pants. If you want pretzels, roll the dough into a long string, twist it into pretzel shape. If you want buns, just make a ball and cut an X on the top. If you want dignity, go somewhere else. Just leave.
Once the water is boiled, put whatever the hell you made in the water for about 30 seconds and flip it over for another 30 seconds. Put the buns immediately on a cooking sheet, put the coarse salt on then and put it in the oven for about 15 minutes or til brown.
- Make pizza pretzels with cheese and sauce instead of salt.
- Go dessert with cinnamon and sugar
Carrot Habanero Hot Sauce
Carrot habanero hot sauce… cause I miss Ritual Tavern. Note, I don’t know their recipe but the sauce color is about the same so… probably?
1 large carrot
1/4 cup lime juice
1/4 cup white vinegar
1 1/2 tsp salt
5 habaneros cut in half and seeded… gut them bitches
3 or 4… maybe 6 garlic cloves…idk I like garlic. Just smash the cloves though… don’t dice em
2 cups water
Heat the oven up top 425. Put the cut peppers and the garlic on a tray cover them with olive oil. If you use your hands, don’t change your contacts afterwards… trust me. Throw that in the oven for about 10 min. When peppers are a little brown, they are done.
While that’s happening, cut up the carrot and onion and put that in a pot with oil and the salt. Cook them for about 4 or 5 min until they are cooked. Onions translucent and greasy.
When the peppers are done, dump those in to the pot with the water, vinegar, and lime juice. Bring to a boil, then simmer for ten min or so. Ponder thoughts… I’ll help. A peanut is neither a pea nor a nut. Discuss.
When it’s smelling good enough to burn your nose, put it in a blender and blend it real good. Yeah. Just like that. Mmmm.
When done, figure out what jar you like the least and fill that with the sauce.
Then make something else and put this on it. Or label it “carrot ginger soup” and leave it in the fridge to see what happens. Either way, it’s good.
*for a milder sauce, add more carrots.
*for a hotter sauce, add more peppers
*for a mediumer sauce, do both