Quarantine Cookbook

What happens when a musician can’t gig? Lots of cooking. Here’s some stuff I’ve been making


BREAKFAST


Quarantined Waffles

waffles

These are just like normal waffles, but they aren’t allowed to leave the house either – so at least you have someone (thing) to talk to while you eat. Waffles are surprisingly good listeners and are really sweet

INGREDIENTS

  • 2 eggs
  • 2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 3/4 cups milk
  • 1 tablespoon white sugar
  • 4 teaspoons baking powder
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt (or, for a more organic method, just think about all the gigs you could have played but won’t and just cry right into the batter instead)
  • 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • Some veggie oil (I just pour a little in – idk maybe a tablespoon… maybe two. I wasn’t paying attention.)

OPTIONAL STUFF

  • Chocolate chips – I’d chop em up in to bits. It makes you feel superior to the chip and cooks better
  • Quick rolled oats – just pour some in. Don’t get too crazy with it, maybe just like Charlie Sheen pre Tiger’s Blood / Winning crazy
  • Bananas – mash em or something

INSTRUCTIONS

    1. Take waffle iron that you forgot you own out of the back of the cupboard and clean it.

      2. Remind yourself that when you were a kid and you had waffles, things were okay.

        3. Get a bowl and beat those eggs till they are fluffy.

          4. Add all the other things in. If you’re making fancy waffles, add the fancy stuff in now. Mix it all up

            5. When mixed, fill up the waffle iron as needed and cook it up until you convince yourself that things are okay (or the waffles are done)

              6. That’s it.
              Optional Toppings

              • Blackberries
              • Whipped Cream
              • Hopes and dreams of a younger you before you realized the bleakness of the void that is life.
              • Syrup

              Basic Eggs

              While I love making complicated things, sometimes basic is best.

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              INGREDIENTS

              2 eggs
              Bunch of herbs (I use rosemary, thyme, basil, and/or oregano)
              Slice of bread (if it’s not sourdough, why bother – am I right?)
              Cheese – Provolone works best because it’s stretchy, but any cheesy goodness will do
              Salt and pepper

              INSTRUCTIONS

              Put a slice of sourdough in the toaster and cut up some provolone for later. If you’re using different bread or cheese – just leave. Do this first.

              Heat a cast iron pan with some oil. If you don’t have a cast iron pan, you should be questioning your life decisions up till now. Seriously what are you doing with your life?

              When the pan and oil are hot, crack the eggs (on the pan – in case that’s not clear). Chop up the herbs and put them on the eggs. Throw some salt and pepper on for good measure.

              When the toast has been toasted, cut the slice in half and put cheese on both sides. If you have a toaster oven (and again, if you don’t, life decisions need to be questioned), put the bread with cheese in for a couple minutes to melt the cheese. If you don’t have a toaster over, IDK – use a hair dryer?

              When both the eggs and the cheesy toast are done, put the toast on a plate (always a good start) then eggs. You can try the other way, but it doesn’t work as well.

              I HIGHLY recommend adding some Carrot Habanero Hot Sauce on this. It’s a good idea. Life will be better.


              Sourdough Bagels

              Bagels are my new favorite thing to make. They are easy for the most part and, outside of NY, I never could find a decent bagel. Given that I still have no gigs and there’s little travel to take up the weekends, making bagels is an easy way to kill a night. Before starting, just know that this is an overnight recipe. It takes about 4 or 5 hours the night before to make so I would suggest starting the process around 3 or 4pm the night before you want bagels. From experience, starting at 7pm is a bad idea (you’ll be done around 1am). Bagel making day however is super short – just enough time to heat the oven and cook the bagels basically. Call it an hour all in.

              Also, I usually double up this recipe and get ~20 – 24 bagels depending on the size. It scales nicely.

              Also, I started using a digital scale to weigh the ingredients. Now that I’m super fancy, I’ve included the weight and rough equivalents for you lesser people without scales.

              Ingredients

              • 224 Grams (~1 cup) of Sourdough Starter – nice and bubbly
              • 360ml (~1.5 cups) of warm (100 degree) water
              • 630 Grams (~4.5 cups) of Bread Flour
              • 42 Grams (~2 tablespoons) of Maple Syrup or barley malt syrup if you want to be fancy / traditional (I don’t)
              • 17 Grams (~1 tablespoon) of Salt
              • Some oil – I use Olive Oil. I would suggest not using motor oil – but do you.
              • 56 Grams (~1/4 cup) of sugar – used for the boil
              • 8 Grams (~2 teaspoons) of Baking Soda – used for the boil
              • Egg whites (likely just one, but depends on how many bagels you make)

              Instructions

              1. Make the starter a few days before at least. I usually start feeding mine about 3 days before I want to make bagels – feeding it 2x a day leading up to bagel day and just once (the morning) for bagel day.
              2. Make the sponge. Add the starter, 272 grams (~2 cups) of flour, the starter, and water to a bowl. Mix it well, then cover and let sit for 30 minutes.
              3. Add the maple syrup and salt to the sponge and mix. Then add the remaining flour while mixing. I do this by hand so I can feel superior but you could use an electric mixer I guess.
              4. Knead that Dough. Once everything is combined, turn it over on a floured surface and knead it for 5 minutes. This is actually a pretty important step – don’t skimp on the time. I’d err on the side of more kneading than less.
              5. Hurry up and wait. Form the dough into a ball. Lightly oil a bowl, then put the dough ball in and turn to cover it with oil. Cover the bowl for 30 minutes.
              6. After 30 minutes, stretch / fold the dough. Basically pull one side and fold it over to the other side, rotate the bowl about 1/4 turn, and do it again. I thought this was a complicated step when I first saw it. It’s not. Just fold it over and pres. Once you’ve folded all sides, make sure it’s ball shaped again and cover again for 30 minutes.
              7. After 30 minutes, do the same thing and then cover again for 60 minutes.
              8. After 60 minutes, do the same thing again (again?) and cover for another 60 minutes.
              9. After 60 minutes, it’s finally time to shape the bagels. Karate chop the dough in to equal parts. About 120 grams of dough per bagel will yield about 12 bagels with this recipe. I usually do 140 grams though and get 10 bagels. Figure out your size, but make them all the same size so baking them isn’t more complicated.
              10. If you want to add something to the inside of the bagel like sundried tomatoes, rosemary, basil, cinnamon raisin, etc – you’d want to mix that in at this stage. Toppings that sit on the outside of the bagel go on later – so do not add those now. That’d be bad.
                1. Side note, make a sundried tomato with rosemary bagel. You’ll thank me.
                  1. Side side note, use non-oiled sundried tomatoes because the oil makes it really annoying to reseal the bagels
                    1. Side side side note, make sure you completely cover whatever you put in the bagels so they stay inside during the boil. If you have things on the outside, they will fall out during the boil. So don’t do that.
              11. Once the bagels are shaped, put them on a tray with parchment paper or silicone mat (I highly recommend the mat – less waste, super easy clean up) and let them sit for about 30 minutes uncovered. Optional to throw some corn meal on the tray first to help the bagels not stick and get an interesting bottom texture.
              12. After 30 minutes, cover the bagels with plastic and throw them in the fridge. They only need to sit for about 6 hours – but go with 12 if you can. The flavors are different and waiting longer is better.
              13. The next morning, take the bagels out of the fridge and uncover them.
              14. Heat the oven to 450 degrees. When the oven is almost preheated, fill a decent size pot with water and mix in the sugar and baking soda. Boil that up.
              15. Once the oven is preheated and the water boiled, gently put the bagels in the water and boil about 30 seconds per side. Don’t over crowd the pot by the way. That can get annoying.
                1. Side note, I’d start with the plain bagels that have nothing inside, then move to bagels with stuff inside – usually starting with the least flavorful things – since some of the inside stuff will come out during the boil.
              16. Remove the bagels from the pot and place on the tray with parchment paper / silicone mat.
              17. In a bowl, mix up the egg white. If you’re not sure how to do this, google it. I’m not your monkey. Use a brush (I seriously just use a painters brush, but you can buy a more expensive cooking one if that’s your jam) and brush the tops of the bagels with egg white and immediately add whatever toppings (everything seasoning, poppy seeds etc).
              18. Put those bagels in the oven and cook for about 20 – 23 minutes per batch. I like doughy bagels, so I’m usually closer to 20 minutes. Whenever they are golden brown though, that’s pretty much when they are done.
              19. Put the bagels on a cooling rack for a bit, then.. .you know… eat them.

              That’s really it. You can freeze bagels if you don’t want to eat them all. You can also eat them all. Or give some to friends so they owe you favors down the road (you know who you are).


              LUNCH

              Simple. Just click this link

              Support local.


              DINNER


              Shepherd’s pie

              If you’re like me, you’re partly empty on the inside from lack of actual human contact (unless dogs count, do dogs count? they should). A good Shepard’s Pie will fill that void right up and make you think of happier times – like not being an actual Shepard. It’s a two part recipe – mashed potatoes and the filling.

              INGREDIENTS

              • Potatoes – for red potatoes maybe 10, for russets try 5. For sweet potatoes, go somewhere else – this is not a time for that shit
              • Butter – just grab a handful, it’ll be fine
              • 1 Onion – red, white, whatever
              • 5 celery stalks
              • A head of broccoli
              • Can of Peas
              • Can of Corn
              • 3 Garlic cloves
              • Some Worcestershire sauce
              • 1/2 cup of broth
              • 1 cup of heavy cream, milk, or sour cream – not required, but good anyway
              • Some cheese – whatever kind and however much – I’m not your real dad, go nuts
              • Salt & Pepper (and Spindarella – she never gets enough credit)
              • A 6 pack of beer – trust me

              Before you start, preheat the over to 400

              Mashed Potato Recipe

                1. Cut up potatoes and put in a pot

                  2. Drink a beer

                    3. Fill with water to just cover potatoes (about an inch over) and boil until tender.

                      4. Drink a beer

                        5. Save a cup of the water but strain the rest out.

                          6. Mash up potatoes, add salt / pepper, and pour the water in (if you want creamy add milk too) and mix till good consistency

                            7. Set mashed potatoes aside – like all your current life goals and desires for actual human contact

                              8. Drink a beer

                              Filling

                                1. Heat a pan with oil. When hot, add carrots broccoli and onion and Cook for 2 min (or till veggies are tender)

                                  2. Drink a beer

                                    3. Add celery peas and corn and garlic. Cook 2 min.

                                      4. Add meat (or beyond meat), Worcestershire sauce and broth. Cook till the meat (or whatever) is done
                                      Put it together

                                      1. Put that mix in a pan, potatoes on top, and put in the oven at 400 for 30 min.
                                      2. While that’s cooking, cut up cheese in a funny way. After the pie has cooked for about 30 minutes, put the cheese on top of awesome pie and cook for 2 min. Take it out of the oven and cool (or don’t if you’re into melting your mouth or too drunk to know the difference)
                                      3. Have a beer, listen to John Prine and ugly cry into your food wondering why any god would takeaway such an amazing singer / songwriter at the time he’s most needed. Added side of that, you probably won’t need more salt.

                                      DRINKS

                                      Homemade chocolate martinis

                                      Let’s be real, quarantine life has made us all revert back to being teenagers in some way. Showering is less frequent, clothes get washed some times, and drinking at any time is pretty much acceptable. Why have a normal drink when you can spend an hour making a classy drink?

                                      This recipe is two parts – the liqueur and the martini. You could by the liqueur from a store but I have too much time on my hands to be bothered with pre-made stuff

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                                      INGREDIENTS

                                      • 3 cups silk chocolate milk
                                      • 1 1/2 cup cocoa powder
                                      • 1 cup sugar
                                      • 1 cup vodka
                                      • 1.5 oz. Chocolate liqueur
                                      • 1.5oz bailey’s
                                      • 1 oz vodka (or fuck it… just pour that bitch in, you’re not going anywhere anyway)

                                      Chocolate Liqueur Recipe

                                      1. Mix the milk, cocoa powder, and sugar then bring to a boil for 5 min or so. Staring directly at the pot will in fact make it boil faster – and really, what else are you doing with your life right now?
                                      2. Let it cool, have a dance party, then add vodka
                                      3. Let chill in fridge at least 3 hours or until you are bored from being locked in the house

                                      Make the Martini

                                      1. Put it all in a shaker with ice and shake it, shake it, shake it like a Polaroid.
                                      2. Pour in a glass
                                      3. Drink like there’s nothing, nothing wrong. Everything is fine…

                                      OPTIONAL STUFF

                                      It’s booze and chocolate, so pretty much anything that goes with either works here. Cinnamon, paprika, peppermint, tears of a unicorn, or basil if you are in to that thing. Experiment, get drunk, have fun.


                                      Dessert

                                      Chocolate chip banana bread

                                      Cause you bought thinking that you’ll be healthy during the quarantine but then got drunk and forgot about and realize you have to eat them but they are nasty mushy

                                      INGREDIENTS

                                      • 4 ripe bananas
                                      • 1 egg
                                      • 1 cup all-purpose flour
                                      • 1/2 cup whole wheat flour
                                      • 1/2 cup sugar
                                      • 1 tsp baking powder
                                      • 1 tsp vanilla extract
                                      • 1/2 cup of chocolate chips – or a whole bag. You’re locked in the house and no one will no. Fuck it, just get two bags and eat one raw. Do it.
                                      • Handful or so of chopped / crushed walnuts

                                        INSTRUCTIONS

                                          Heat oven to 351. The extra degree is super important

                                            Put bananas in a bowl. Take your anger of life out of the bananas and mash the crap out of them. Just destroy those nanaers.

                                              When you’re exhausted (or the bananas are smooth), beat an egg up until it knows the deal too, then and add it to the destroyed/mashed bananas and mix them together.

                                                Add everything else to the bowl until there’s nothing left (sort of like your trust in your parents after you found out they were the tooth fairy). Mix that around.

                                                  Put in bread baking tin, put in oven (in that order – trust me) and cook for about 50 minutes.

                                                    Take picture, post on Facebook, and pretend this is normal.

                                                    OPTIONAL STUFF

                                                  1. Add chocolate chips to the top pre baking to say something
                                                  2. 1 or so tsp of cinnamon (I didn’t do that but sorta wish I had) maybe even nutmeg


                                                  Pretzels

                                                  If you ever wanted to make pretzels but didn’t have the time – good news, you have it.

                                                  INGREDIENTS

                                                  • 3 3/4 cups flour
                                                  • 1 pack of fast acting yeast
                                                  • 1 1/4 cup lukewarm water
                                                  • 3 tbsp of unsalted melted butter
                                                  • 3 tbsp of baking soda
                                                  • 2 tsp of fine (good looking) sea salt
                                                  • a fist full o’ coarse salt for topping

                                                  INSTRUCTIONS

                                                    In one bowl, Combine flour, yeast and sea salt. Use a sifter for the flour if you have one, but if you don’t – just summon your inner child and throw fistfuls of flour in at a time. Might as well throw some at your roommates / partner / pet for good measure.

                                                      In another bowl, mix up the water and butter. This should be lukewarm (like your soul after not being able to see music for oh so many days.

                                                        1. Combine the flour mix and the water / butter mix together and mix it up.

                                                          If it gets sticky, add more flour.

                                                            Throw some flour on a surface and dump the dough on that and take out your frustrations on it. I usually do this while screaming loudly at the dough about how it needs to get in shape.

                                                              Once the dough is put in it’s place it’ll be pretty elastic. Roll it up in to a ball. You can also take this time to roll yourself into a ball and rock back and forth for a while. It’s soothing and in no way weird.

                                                                Oil up yet another bowl, and put the dough ball in there. Cover it up with a towel and put it in a warm dry place. Pro tip, if you put your oven on to about 100 and turn it off before putting the bowl in, that’ll work. Amateur tip, use a hair dryer pointed at the towel and stand there for an hour. You’ve got nothing better to do anyway right?

                                                                  Go outside and ponder your life choices that have brought you to this point in your life for about an hour while the dough rises (and you slowly sink in sorrow)

                                                                    Once dough is risen, punch that fucker back down into it’s place to teach it that life isn’t fair sometimes.

                                                                      Divide up the dough into somewhat equal portions and put it back in the warm place covered up again until it rises (20ish minutes). If dough attempts to rise up in revolt, just beat it back down.

                                                                        Pour your bad life decisions and insecurities (along with a bunch of water) in a pot big enough to hold a few pretzels and add the baking soda. Bring that to a boil and swear to jebus that you’ll be better when this is over. Note, it will foam up, so maybe watch it this time Carl (seriously dude!).

                                                                          When you take out the dough the last time, preheat the oven to 425

                                                                          Decision time

                                                                          Be real, this is probably the most important decision of your day considering you are stuck at home and likely not wearing pants. If you want pretzels, roll the dough into a long string, twist it into pretzel shape. If you want buns, just make a ball and cut an X on the top. If you want dignity, go somewhere else. Just leave.

                                                                          Once the water is boiled, put whatever the hell you made in the water for about 30 seconds and flip it over for another 30 seconds. Put the buns immediately on a cooking sheet, put the coarse salt on then and put it in the oven for about 15 minutes or til brown.

                                                                          OPTIONAL

                                                                          • Make pizza pretzels with cheese and sauce instead of salt.
                                                                          • Go dessert with cinnamon and sugar

                                                                          SAUCES


                                                                          Carrot Habanero Hot Sauce

                                                                          Carrot habanero hot sauce… cause I miss Ritual Tavern. Note, I don’t know their recipe but the sauce color is about the same so… probably?

                                                                          INGREDIENTS

                                                                          1 large carrot
                                                                          1/2 onion
                                                                          1/4 cup lime juice
                                                                          1/4 cup white vinegar
                                                                          1 1/2 tsp salt
                                                                          5 habaneros cut in half and seeded… gut them bitches
                                                                          3 or 4… maybe 6 garlic cloves…idk I like garlic. Just smash the cloves though… don’t dice em
                                                                          2 cups water

                                                                          INSTRUCTIONS

                                                                          Heat the oven up top 425. Put the cut peppers and the garlic on a tray cover them with olive oil. If you use your hands, don’t change your contacts afterwards… trust me. Throw that in the oven for about 10 min. When peppers are a little brown, they are done.

                                                                          While that’s happening, cut up the carrot and onion and put that in a pot with oil and the salt. Cook them for about 4 or 5 min until they are cooked. Onions translucent and greasy.

                                                                          When the peppers are done, dump those in to the pot with the water, vinegar, and lime juice. Bring to a boil, then simmer for ten min or so. Ponder thoughts… I’ll help. A peanut is neither a pea nor a nut. Discuss.

                                                                          When it’s smelling good enough to burn your nose, put it in a blender and blend it real good. Yeah. Just like that. Mmmm.

                                                                          When done, figure out what jar you like the least and fill that with the sauce.

                                                                          Then make something else and put this on it. Or label it “carrot ginger soup” and leave it in the fridge to see what happens. Either way, it’s good.

                                                                          NOTES

                                                                          *for a milder sauce, add more carrots.
                                                                          *for a hotter sauce, add more peppers
                                                                          *for a mediumer sauce, do both